FULL MOON NEAR LAKE OF THE WOODS
February 8, 2010
THE BORDERLINE XI
February 8, 2010
All excerpts are from UNDERSTANDING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER by Christine Ann Lawson
“SHE’S SO NEGATIVE”
That is the title of the next section….and I can relate all too well….
When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent, they receive a response that either increases the distress or entirely dismisses their concern.
Emotionally stable parents share their children’s joy and quiet their fear. But caretaking roles are reversed for children of borderlines whose mothers are chronically upset. Children repress their fear in order to calm their mother.
Well actually I had a mother who would increase my distress and a father who would dismiss it. When I was in third grade with that psychotic excuse of a teacher Jeanne Wyatt my grades suffered drastically and one of the reasons was that I couldn’t see the chalkboard….but my parents didn’t believe me especially after my Dad stood across the kitchen and help up a carton of PALL MALL (yes we were that white trash!!) and asked me what I said….well of course I said Pall Mall I could recognize the carton…my Dad in disgust said you don’t need glasses your just making excuses and trying to get attention! It wasn’t until 5th grade that a teacher told my parents to get my eyes checked. That was a great day in life I will never forget the ride home and being able to see the leaves on the trees….I had no idea that I was supposed to see them from a distance…so getting glasses was not a negative experience as it is for many…I don’t recall anyone calling me four-eyes…..classmates just weren’t like that.
Something my siblings often lament….we were just farm labor…there was no real care or concern no nurturing environment…everything was negative or an accusation….WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT??….WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING??? No emotions or feelings were allowed and even now it is easier to make a joke of such matters…
Borderlines have negative thoughts because they have negative thoughts because they have negative feeling about themselves and others. Memory difficulties, difficulty focusing attention, confused and disorganized thinking, the inability to reason logically…..
The worse part is some of that sounds like me sometimes!! But no where near how my mother operates….she was never able to function, hold down a job consistently, keep a clean house, or run the goat farm….always confusion…and to see it today makes me very sad because along with her confusion and difficulty focusing she will not accept real help….She is a control freak and if you tried to vacuum her house for her….you would never be able to do it right….THERE IS A WRONG WAY AND A RIGHT WAY TO VACUUM!!!! so the house doesn’t get vacuumed often….and all year long she is cleaning….I’M NOT KIDDING….I HAVE BEEN CLEANING ALL DAY LONG….If I had a dime every time I heard that story. And the expectation on a visit…that there would be some improvement but for the most part it stays the same. And the feelings of guilt and helplessness flood the consciousness.
“SHE FLIPS OUT“
They may feel disconnected with their body and their memory may be impaired. They may lose track of time, lose awareness of their surroundings, and become disoriented. Some borderlines talk out loud when alone, or muter to themselves in the presence of others. They may stare blankly, carrying on a conversation while preoccupied with the chaos of their internal state.
Some of this applies…my mom has many ways of ” flipping out” not all of them are an outward expression….My mother actually likes to have staring contests…….this usually occurs when she is in the middle of an argument or test of wills…and losing. She thinks that being a parent makes her the supreme ruler who is never wrong and never has to apologize….thus as I forgive and forgive she takes and takes. Another way she flips out at least when I was young was to have temper tantrums…my dad was an alcoholic but my mom is the one who acted out….just lose it throwing and breaking everything she could get her hands on. Also she would do the silent treatment thing….and then there was the I’m leaving your father….and the I am going to live in a tent/trailer thing…and when the moment was over one was never allowed to bring it up again. Oh no memory lane is chasing me down….there is also her helpless little girl routine….her voice becomes small and she needs to be parented. Oh and I can’t forget the fake crying routine and then the martyr….
If they are frequent, the child may numb out (dissociate), and seem oblivious to their occurrence. depending on their frequency, the child may believe such experiences are normal.
Oh my here is a passage I must have forgotten the first time I read this book…
Ordinary mothers sleep at night; borderline mothers do not. Borderlines dread being alone with their own thoughts…
I don’t know when my mother stopped sleeping at night…it was before my father died….I don’t recall this behavior as a youngster…maybe my siblings will remember better. But now she is completely turned around and if not out at the casinos stays home wandering the house staring at the walls or up in the air….she often sleeps on the couch. And refuses to seek medical attention. For some reason her behavior has a paralyzing effect on me even when she is a thousand miles away….
later
BODIE
February 7, 2010
ODDS AND ENDS FROM JANUARY
February 4, 2010
Wolf Creek Tavern in Wolf Creek Oregon
Klamath Lake, roadside graffiti, and the ridgeline that runs along Klamath Lake
Gas Station in Medford at night…
Story at STELLAR HEALING
HORSE CREEK COVERED BRIDGE II
February 3, 2010
HORSE CREEK COVERED BRIDGE
February 2, 2010
This one is in Myrtle Creek
THE BORDERLINE X
February 1, 2010
All excerpts are from UNDERSTANDING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER by Christine Ann Lawson.
I had to take a break from this…emotions built up and I needed more time to process them. One of my friends brought up a good point the difference between writing about emotions and actually feeling. So I spent quite a bit of time feeling and just being with my feelings….slowed things way down…I feel much better although I don’t get to all of the things I would like to…Oh well. Then I had quite a shoulder injury and my head went in a different direction combating pain….but now I am back.
Last post I wrote on this subject I touched on my life in elementary school sort of removed from the borderline stuff but quite a part it played in the shaping of who I am. …Another question that was asked of me was how I survived life while remaining a relatively compassionate person. When I see myself as a youngster I remember always observing and remembering…even now I have the capabilities to put myself in others shoes. Sometimes I do it too much and put myself on the back burner….hard habits I have breaking. When I was a little girl I wanted to have 10 kids…now I am 44 and glad I have none…part of my survival today was certain choices I made….I could learn mistakes from other people. For instance I learned how to effectively lie to my parents because my sister was so bad at it!!! I could observe what she did wrong and cover my tracks better!! Another thing I learned is that it is better to tell your parents what you are doing rather than asking….this is effective with bosses at work and any other authority figure you have to deal with. I learned by watching some of the older students in school who got pregnant at a young age to always use condoms! ( nevermind that night at the Healy Roadhouse near Denali Park in Alaska…..I’m not perfect….) In general I figured out after growing up on the goat farm that I needed a life for me. ME ME ME….one of my coping mechanisms in early family life was to be “happy”. I would try to be pleasant and always smiling quick to forgive and quick to scream when things got physical in the house. Usually between my brother and my Dad. I hated drama, screaming and yelling and violence…still do to this day. For some reason(and I think I got it from my Dad who was a loner and was man enough in a logging community where everyone drove half ton 4wheel drive trucks; to drive a yellow Chevy Luv) I have never gotten my identity from others…I have never needed to impress others with my clothes or possessions, in school….I wouldn’t drink beer to be cool. I didn’t like beer and still don’t but most people at that age will do anything to fit in…I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19…Thank you Mom and Dad for being so strict! I think I filed stuff away remembered feelings, sometimes I wonder if I remembered them too well. In general my survival was observation observation observation….and remembering. Also my childhood was filled with a strong sense of morals. Many of those morals turned out to be false as I have discovered later in life….hypocritical morals. Some of the morals were overdone and turned to anger and shame….for instance my sister once came home from school with a pair of shorts on and my Dad was livid telling her she would end up pregnant….and one time my friends and I all decided to take our bras off at school….yes we left our shirts on!! Anyway I got home and my parents hit the roof….I think I was grounded the whole summer!!!
Everyone in my family had different ways of surviving we all took on different roles….had different ways of coping and thus in adult hood we all have distinctive idiosyncrasies. Some more and some less desirable!
As I said earlier I scored a hundred % on anxiety so one of my focuses has been to slow down every thing give myself more time to experience, digest and process feelings. Slow things down and spend more time experiencing my life. Usually I am single minded and focused on one thing to the exclusion of all else including myself. It has been a lifelong habit but way overboard the last 5 years….to the detriment of my physical and mental well being. And one should be doing more than just existing to survive in this life….or surviving to exist. Ouch!!!
Here is a great quote from UNDERSTANDING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER…
Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that children with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at large whenever their reality is discounted. Carl Jung (in Stein 1995) once said, “we need more understanding of human nature, because the only real danger that exists is man himself…..His psyche should be studied, because we are the origin of all coming evil”
Double ouch for mankind!!
The borderline’s emotional thermostat consists of two settings: on and off. There is no middle ground. ….unable to grasp that something might be both good and bad, a person with BPD can only see the ends of the spectrum. Thus, the borderline’s inability to experience more than one perspective at a time conveys only one side of the story and one part of the picture.
Believing in her child’s basic goodness is only possible if the mother believes in her own goodness. unfortunately, some borderlines have an inner conviction of being evil.
That is a statement that first gives me denial but then after thinking about it for awhile I can see a deeper truth…like maybe the conviction of being evil is on the subconscious level and the outward projection is that they are always right…never have the need to apologize….I seem to remember more when I was a teenager my mother expressing an evil side to me. She thought Rod Stewart was evil and broke all my records….she called the music I listen to “devil” music. (Now she listens to this music all the time….I bought her a Sirius radio and when I call her sometimes the music is so loud…I giggle….now she loves rock music!) Nevermind that I had raging hormones at that age and like a typical teenager. I don’t remember the bad projection too much before I started my period…there were a few instances…once when I was very young she caught me masturbating…I was probably in first grade. It was before I knew anything about sex or masturbation I was just stroking myself because it felt good!! You would have thought I had robbed a bank!! She did not know the first thing about sex herself so had no clue how to deal with it. It amazes me her generation. A generation of women who had multiple children and never had an orgasm….Yeah that would be enough to drive ME crazy!! But to end this on a serious note I don’t know if I would use the word evil….maybe dark…shame….worthless….I can see the point but evil is such a final judgment…at least in my definitions.
Later!!
OLD FARMERS ADVICE via ESSAYS & EFFLUVIA
January 30, 2010
Via Barry Ritholtz’s most excellent blog ESSAYS & EFFLUVIA….
Old Farmer’s Advice
Old Farmer’s Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none..
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to Chance.
–
Don’t pick a fight with an old man.. If he is too old to fight,
he’ll just kill you.
And,
When you quit laughing, you quit living.
SOUTHERN OREGON LAWN DECOR
January 28, 2010
IN EVERY COLOR!!!!
